I don’t really know why im writing this instead of my qualities statement, which is due tomorrow. Nor doing anything productive such as homework or studying. This whole week has been a miserably bad one for me. I feel so unproductive and inefficient and lethargic. And my energy is not translating into anything useful.

I’m having such a hard time thinking what to write for my quality statement. Im supposed to pick a few qualities which I think I possess, but judging from whatever that has been happening or happened, I don’t think I dare say I possess any good.
Arghsdfgh its so hard to write praises about oneself.

The week has been draining.

It started off with a stinging blog post which hurt almost everyone in one way or another. Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me. That’s obviously untrue. Sometimes, getting stabbed in the back literally might actually hurt less than getting stabbed at figuratively. I never thought I would have felt so misrepresented, I never thought we would have been so detestable, I never thought you were so weak.
But I am glad that throughout this whole shit mess, I have found out who stands by who, and that with constant support and care from each other, going through tough times may not be so tough afterall.

Just today, my chinese teacher created a scene when she found out my classmate was not in school again. She scolded, shouted and said she had no mood to teach anymore. And she stomped out of the class. It was awkward. She also said I was a terrible friend, that I can’t even help my own friend, that I cant even encourage my own friend to come for lessons. I told my friend was sick but she took none of it, and just kept scolding and shouting and realllly pissed, slamming stuff here and there. I didn’t know what to feel, indeed I have been a shitty friend, but it’s not as if I didn’t try, it’s not as if I didn’t want to help. Or maybe what she said was true. Im just a selfish bastard.

The thing is, no one ever really sees both side of the story. Who ever knows what happens from another angle? Does the chi teacher know how I want my friend to do well too? Does she know I do tell her what to do? Why do I get blamed when she doesnt hand in her work? Why do I get curt replies from her friends when I want to know why she’s absent? Why do I get mumbledfumbled excuses defending her all the time? Why do my smses get ignored all the time? Why when I want to take a risk, it might not be worth it at all? Why do all my words get brushed aside? It’s one thing to be excluded, it’s another when im blamed for it.

I’m so disappointed with myself.

Back to the teacher, she came back, read some compos, and was again reminded of the classmate she had so much faith in. She marked her scripts first, neglecting other classmates’. She said she regretted doing that. She scolded me for not telling her that classmate is not coming for lesson. She cried. It was very awkward.

I don’t exactly know how writing it here is gonna make things any better. This is the sort of situation you can tell no one directly, because it’ll probably be met with a sarcastic “orly?” or “whatever I don’t really care”. I don’t know when all these will end. Im exhausted, I want to give up, but I want a definite statement before I do. Something like "get out of my life” or “I don’t know you anymore”. Oh wait, have that already came?

It’s 1.50am, I have 4 more hours to churn out something. That’s including sleep time. My head hurts, my heart hurts, my eyes hurt. Faking a smile just got easier, at least, much easier than explaining what’s troubling me.