chilli makes my mouth burn, my nose weak, my ears hot, my eyes watery.

as i was walking home today, i was thinking to myself, about thinking.

i remembered the times with friends, having conversations about the future, sharing what an ideal date would be like, taking turns to answer scenerio-based questions on the boulders of changi beach.
and bus rides in silence, with you looking deep in thought, i'll probe;
what are you thinking of?

they always give me such good answers which leave me stumped. and make me ponder why i do not think about such questions and situations. after mentally analysing why, this is probably the answer.

i dont like thinking because i dont know what to think of.
if i think of sad thoughts, i will get sad. i will feel im missing out on so much, i think of a greater world. i harp on what i cannot have, or what i once had. i sink deeper into something i dont feel good in, i feel more uneasy, i feel small and insignificant. i start to radiate pessimistic rays.

but when i think of happier things, i will miss them. i'll smile, chuckle, grin stupidly to myself. then i start feeling melancholic, i want to relieve such moments again, though seldom possible. i zone out and try to recall the same situation. i indulge and refuse to be realistic. and my imagination just runs and i'll start altering scenerios, imagining how they should be in movies, and i'll start expecting the unrealistic, and i'll end up upset that everything's but my wish, my fantasy. purely one-sided, and nothing's gonna happen.

and i dont like thinking about the future too, because of the same expectations theory. im not sure if i can handle falling short and failing to obtain what i want repeatedly.

today i told my dad im tired.
he snapped at me. i guess he's worried i'll just lose my motivation to study, and disappointed at me. he thinks im spending too much time on frivilous stuff, which i dont deny. i want to stop doing frivilous stuff. i dont feel like doing anything at all for that matter.


i wanted to blog this a few weeks back.
has anyone every thought which is worse - being at the right place at the wrong time, or wrong place at the right time?

i think it's the latter because, you cant wind back time. once the right time passes, you cant return to it. all you can do is exclaim how you missed whatever happened, because you were not there. because you were somewhere else.

i was at the wrong place at the right time on several occasions last month. and it's not as if i couldnt get to the right place; just that if i did, the time would have passed, and everything would have ended. it sucks knowing you could have been there, but you cant. i become aware i would regret not going, yet i cant do anything about it. it's feeling completely helpless. :(


im playing melancholic soundtracks and it's not exactly making me feel any better.

my thoughts keep drifting to things i want to experience again. things like sleepovers, macbook photobooth, trekking up bt timah hill, bbqing marshmallows, eating a vermonster, learning to cycle, movie marathons, smell of bath cubicles (they always remind me of something.. kindergardenish), 16 feb, analakshmi, your sarcastic whispering (mature im sure).

mmmm thinking about these make me happy, i can sleep in peace now~ physics remedial in a few hours time!