let's see, for once im gonna say TGIF.

this week has been exhausting, i can literally feel myself dying at an accelerated rate. living every day at a time, studying subjects the night before the exam. this last minute preparation is killing me. and the worse part is, no matter how hard i seem to try, i still find myself stumped during the exams - not knowing how to answer the questions or not even understanding what they are asking about. sometimes i feel like just writing "i dont know" on the answer scripts.

i drew a sad face for my math paper though, after attempting to solve some question and found myself stuck.

been washing myself with music; iridescent by linkin park suiting my current mood.

Do you feel cold and lost in desperation
You build up hope but failure's all you've known
Remember all the sadness and frustration
And let it go
Let it go

I think im taking things too easy. Like how i deceive myself that i am studying but nothing processes. because if i really was studying, why do i still forget what i've learnt? just shows how im not actually understanding what im reading. and im so accustomed and used to failure, i dont seem to give a hoot about failing anymore, cos it seems to just be another subject. and no one seems to understand that it's not cos the school i am in has exceptionally high standards, because why are others doing well too, yet im just, falling so far behind? i think its a problem with my whole attitude, because put me in another school and i'll probably just fail too. jc life is still so hard to adapt :(

i've had 2 really morbid dreams this week.
the first was about how a friend of mine was mental, and that she'll always try to hold your hands and squeeze them reallllllll tight, till it hurts and no blood can flow. she tried to hold mine but i managed to break off her grip, but her long fingernails pierced through my skin. finally i got a policewoman to arrest her. but i dont know how (that's why they are called dreams), the policewoman is also her?? so she didnt arrest herself and they went into a room. i went into the room to ask her what's going on but she was EATING HER BABIES NO JOKE. she was cutting up and mixing and stirring her sons in this gigantic bowl, whisking them like how you whisk egg white. it's quite morbid, then i woke up being disgusted hahaha. i looked at her differently when i went to school the next day..

the second dream was scary. i dreamt someone murdered my dad in my home. this guy was selling car insurance to my mother, who didnt want to buy. but the dude was being so insistent. in the end he sold this whole carton of drinks to us instead. the next scene was we were all in the car. my mom was driving, my dad was sitting at the front passenger seat, my sis and i were sitting at the back seat. and that dude was in our car too?!?!?! so my mom was like commenting aloud how there's a stranger who might be dangerous in our car. obviously the guy was offended but didnt show it. i remember i was afraid he would just shoot my mom or something. then my dad said he's probably just a good innocent guy who needs a lift. and i looked at that guy and he did seem innocuous enough.

after that we were all at home and i was lazing on the sofa, when i woke up i saw the guy stabbing my father before stabbing himself and i was really shocked and there was a pool of blood slowly forming around my dad's frame. i tried calling the ambulance but the phone was engaged and it could not call through. i tried calling using my handphone but the same problem. i suspected the bad people must have planned this killing well. and i yelled for my mom and my sister but they seemed so calm and frozen, it was very scary, feeling all alone and helpless. and i think i was so anxious and afraid i woke up. and my heart was beating so fast.

hmmm im very thirsty = not good sign cos thirst is a late effect of dehydration which means im dehydrated.

anyway 3 day holiday, *exhales deeply*

oh oh im very happy because my chinese oral is on the 15 july which is the second last day of the whole oral period which means i have one week to prepare yessss!! better than it being next week, i reallllly need the time to sink into chineseland and get into chinese mood :) wish me the best guys~~ hahahaha i hope it's not gonna be wasted this time round.. and to all those re-taking chinese again, all the best too ^^