are you gonna leave?

not sure if we are friends or not. one moment you treat me so coldly, the next you send out perfectly happy messages. the more you push me away, the more i want to pull you closer, the more i remember the better times we had. like when i was next to you, and you had that stupid grin plastered across your face, and i asked "what" in an accusatory tone. because you had that same smile when you drew dicks on all the lions of my Great Eastern foolscap pad. because you had the same smile when you saw others react to your bad jokes and ideas of "fun". but this time, it was just you and me, and you replied a little too loudly, with mock defensiveness, "Is it wrong to be happi!" Happi with an "i" because that is how we spell it. And i was momentarily taken aback, but we laughed it off immediately after. and i asked if you were really happy and you looked like you were, just lying there looking so free-of-worry, and we were close.

i also remember how i cried the first time in your presence. thanks for fighting my fears with me. thanks for not turning me away. thanks for trying to understand. thanks for your shoulder. thanks for that tight embrace. thanks for not letting me go and making me feel temporarily better.

i love it when it rains. and how you never fail to keep me warm.
i love it when you run your fingers through my hair.
i love it when we are eating cup noodles in the middle of the day, unsure if that was our breakfast or lunch.
i love it when you tell me softly how you feel.
i love it when no matter what, you come back every night.
except the last night, you didn't.

it's hard to forget you.
why are you deliberately making it difficult for me?

we both knew what we had was different. it wasn't a relationship-headed thingy, it wasn't just anything casual either. it was something... impossible. like those soppy korean love dramas without the happy ending. boy meets girl. misaligned statuses. misaligned feelings. boy distances himself. boy does things to piss girl off.

every time you piss me off, every time you do something that you know would hurt me... sighs. no matter what i'll always be your friend, though sometimes i wish you make it less painful to be one. trying to tell myself to stop but it's really not that easy. im feeling so helpless can you just help me please. im afraid to talk to you. needy. im afraid to ask you. no. im afraid to see your face. it makes me cry. sometimes i wish we didnt have the very good times to realise how bad these days without you are in comparison.

are you happi?