I'm so bloody sad right now. so damn sad.

I read a quote today, "If you were to die this evening with no opportunity to communicate with anyone, what would you most regret not having told someone? Why haven't you told them yet?"
I haven't told you how unexpected glimpses of you can make my day, how you look like a moose while trudging down a slope in your sloppy pullover, how i do get envious of the people you get along perfectly with, how i see your imperfections and still put you on a pedestal, how cold you are to me yet i don't want to stop trying. I haven't told you all these because I'm afraid of the consequences. I'm afraid we'll grow increasingly distant, as if we aren't distant enough. I'm afraid to not be able to look at you in your face, ashamed at myself for even entertaining any thoughts with you. Talking to you is like stepping on eggshells, playing a game of minesweeper. I'll mess up if i'm not careful, i'll blow up all my chances with every wrong word. or phrase. or sentence.

i should just stop. no one's on my side. even computer algorithms aren't.

but I don't know how to let you go.

//
I don't know you anymore. and i don't know what lies behind the smiles you give me when we see each other in the canteen. i don't know your thoughts and I don't know why it became like this. you unlocked something in me which i don't feel really comfortable with. it hurts me.

//
fucking still missing you.
//
what's step one to moving forward?