today is one of those days when i feel so so so tired :(

missing you comes in waves. today i am drowning.

family has become a painfully dreadful word to hear. everything positive associated with it feels so foreign and unfamiliar. i've always thought that families like mine are very common and in fact brought up to believe that i'm probably one of the "more fortunate" ones. i never have abusive parents, in fact, they are pretty responsible ones. they feed me, provide me with a shelter, pay for my education, support me in what i do etc. but somehow something went wrong along the lines. i failed to show my love for them. we grew distant, and more distant. and unfeeling. and emotionless. it becomes awkward to show any form of love. the words we speak are cold. our feelings are masked with sarcasm. no wonder you interpreted every thing i said, every praise i gave, every thanks i uttered, as a personal attack on you. as me trying to be sarcastic. i swear i wasn't. your inability to take any form of criticism or joke has taught me well. im really tired of playing word games with you.

over the weekend, the pop's accusations went overboard and i found myself really maligned and tired of his bullshit. been tolerating all the baseless accusations and insults, tried to be understanding, give in etc. but apparently nothing worked. so i sent a really long reply telling him how i really feel, how he should snap out of his self-pity, and i actually feel proud of it. i cant believe things have gotten to this stage where we finally have to confront our problems and not compromise with apologies/ ignorance. why are adults so immature? seriously, are those happy bonded families i see on facebook and instagram just a facade or what? im trying to think of an insta-worthy moment with my parents but.... no, cant think of any. crazy adults always against each other, i find myself cynical of long-lasting love.

anyway yinhui lent me a book called Essays in Love. I've been reading it on my journey to/ from school. the ideas presented are supported by theories and it kinda amazes me how the author manages to make them applicable to people's sometimes irrational actions while in love.

Do we love someone because they are beautiful, or are they beautiful because we love them?
By extension, do we love someone despite their flaws, or do their flaws make us love them? It becomes paradoxical when we start hating the same flaws we had once accepted. we use the excuse of wanting to change them for the better, for caring enough to want to mould the person. i guess i havent actually reached that stage before so i cant say much about it, but from the years of observing my parents' interaction with each other, i guess changing people isn't always the way to go about doing things. sometimes, it's probably better to close one eye, and open our hearts.

it's so hard to open my heart and trust anyone completely now. how the hell is mutual love possible? does it even exist????

on a side note, i love snowskin mooncakes!!!