it's been three days of tears and frustration and sadness and self-hate.

i'm not the most comfortable writing this down, but one day i'll hope to look back on the things the twenty-one year old me had gone through and perhaps pat myself on my back, and thank God that He has seen me through all the way.

day one started with making a mistake that cost me $12. money i could have used to buy a nice little meal or a new top or a pair of slippers. i just get so frustrated at small little mistakes i make that could have been avoidable and would have been avoidable if it were someone else. but nope not me, i love to make mistakes that would just pile up and pile up till it breaks me down. and so i lost my motivation to study and life in general. i dont even know why i have this idiotic propensity to make the most mistakes ever. after that i got back home and laid on the couch and scrolled thru instagram and facebook and carousell and twitter and every social media platform to keep my mind off things, and the next thing i know, mother was shouting at me and giving me the look of utter hatred for not being clear if i wanted dinner or not. i hate it when she does that. sometimes i feel that the only person i'm really a disappointment to, is to her, and sometimes i feel that the only person who hates me so much in the universe, is her too. and she just went to the kitchen and glared at me and walked about and glared at me and all i did was to lie on the couch, deciding not to give her any of the attention she wanted.

and i'ld think about it later in the shower, and wonder how do mothers treat their sons and daughters who smoke and do drugs and stay out late, and wonder how my mother would treat me should i do them.

day two was the most painful, and the worst so far, just like how periods go. it felt as if my soul left my body and all that i was left was, nothing. went to school but had negative motivation to study or read anything. it was terrible. had a sushi craving which i've yet to satisfy. i can already anticipate the ebikko in my mouth, bursting every of those little tiny orange bubbles. strangely satisfying. questioned the meaning of life repeatedly in my head. marvelled at the people all around me, studying so hard just to beat the bell curve. and here's me playing 2048, helping you all tank it. you're welcome. bought an ice lemon tea and threw it away, because it was ironically making me even thirstier and fat. im so fucking flabby and unhealthy and lazy. decided to walk home. boarded a bus once i reached the expressway since there was no more footpath. i love walks alone on breezy nights. i miss botanic gardens.

didn't feel like doing anything so i went to bed early. i thought about how fucking fearful i have become, how past events do actually subtly impact on my perception on things and how i view the future. a couple of years back my mother told me, i hope you won't be afraid of getting married because of our divorce. and i replied confidently that i wouldnt. i'll find a perfect man for me and settle down comfortably and happily. fast forward to the present i cant help but marvel at how naive i once was, how difficult it is to achieve such a state of content. i'm afraid of people not loving me enough, loving me for all the wrong reasons, loving me for physical satisfaction, loving me for the fun of it, getting tired of me easily thereafter. love is such a strong word, there's so much promise and emotional attachment to it and i hate it when it's being used so casually, and worse still, being shown so flippantly. it just makes me afraid, that one day i will not be able to live up to my other half's expectations of love, and he would disregard me because of what i can no longer offer. and on nights like this, i miss your company, how we could lie next to each other and talk about issues, without any hormones interrupting the moment. and how when i cried, you would hug me and silently understand. and when i find myself missing you, i hate myself for even entertaining that thought for all the shit you too had put me through, and your words disintegrated into fragments, unfamiliar and foreign. and like them, so did we.

but it was fireworks with you, exciting and short-lived. i'm afraid that i'll start chasing fireworks kind of relationships because of the lack of commitment and the intensity of emotions. as usual principles seem to be eroding and hopefully verbalizing it here would sober me up a little. i dont know.

another fear is the fear of cancer. one by one the people around me are struck by it. yesterday mom looked like she was in discomfort, but i didnt ask her what was wrong because i couldnt bring myself to. i fear of facing truths and harsh realities. i fear of continuously underachieving. i fear of getting married and being a burden to my spouse and my kid. i fear of not being able to conceive. i fear of conceiving kids that would become victims of bullying. i fear of conceiving kids that would become bullies. i fear of terminal illness. i fear of unhappiness. i fear of stagnating relationships. i fear of unfulfillment. i fear of being so blase. i fear of being so weak in my knees i can no longer walk. i fear of losing any of my senses.

i fear of waking up to face new days.

day 3 wasn't as bad. watched a few friends audition for a singing competition, which made me miss hall once again. it was a pretty mundane day with still a lack of motivation to study, and i hope tomorrow gets better... having a xiaolongbao craving now. weirrrrd.