it's so much easier to embrace emotions in their entirety without being constrained by societal expectations and commitment. with everything that has been going on, there are so many more factors and other people's feelings to consider before penning down how exactly i feel. it's unsettling, knowing how a once private space becomes a place i feel unsafe to write in. becoming increasingly lazy to update this space because i stop thinking. whenever i find my mind wandering into stuff i shouldn't be thinking about, something that would make me a letdown, i'll push all out of them out of my system. at least i try to.

i'm trying my best to not be a disappointment. i attend my classes, do my homework, be kind, make people happy. it's tiring to try so hard sometimes to be someone i want to be but don't really have that conviction to.
~

i don't want to romanticize you.

i asked you where you've gone when you left early without me. you exasperatedly retort why do i need to know.
i wanted your reassurance that you were not really up to no good, that you were kidding when you said "bad stuff". that you were not fucking with your life. but i knew you can't give me that, and i knew it isn't a good thing.

i looked at you as you drew cigarette after cigarette. you spun your cheap lighter between your fingers.
i thought back of my birthday, when you promised not to smoke for that day. i am proud of you for doing that. i wished every day was my birthday, only because i wished you would not smoke so much.

i tried to let you talk, and asked back the questions you asked me. i tried to keep the conversation going, but it was pretty taxing. i couldnt tell if silence is comfortable, or uncomfortable. i am always comfortably uncomfortable with you. you told me about your family, the movies you watched, how you felt about certain things. i reminded myself to keep my mouth shut, and not blabber and interrupt. i wanted you to share, i wanted to catch a glimpse of your life and thoughts.

i was surprised when you asked me to name my top three people guys. was this a milestone in our friendship, sharing such things aside from the usual films, school etc.? i wanted so badly to say your name. i couldnt answer your question. i asked you back. you said it wasnt fair because i hadnt even answered mine. i did not have three names in mind, i only had yours. but i didnt say that, i wouldn't know how you would react. did i really think that i was worthy of you? i said two random names. ugh what a liar, couldnt i just speak my mind? you told me your three girls. they are hot, pretty, cute, expressive, cake their faces in makeup. i asked you what if you saw their bare faces. you told me that would turn you on even more.

i wish i could be your friend. it's so emotionally frustrating when everything goes against the way you feel. i dont want to feel this much, but the more i try to suppress it, the more it hurts.



random picture of a very artsy girl who turned 22 last October. so thankful to have her here always.