For the past 6 days, I was in JB for SWAT camp, the one Titus had been telling us about. I'll share with you what I thought about it, maybe it would strike a chord in you, maybe it won't.

- What prompted me to go?

Personally my walk with God has been terribly distant because I don't put in effort to know Him. I've not been going for my church's CG and missing church because I'm too tired/ too busy. And I thought ok since it's the hols and perhaps the last time I can go for such a camp (Y4 goggles), I'll just give this a shot.

I signed up alone, not knowing who is going. Whatever, I thought, I would try to make some friends with my group mates there. They probably won't ostracise any loners there la, it's a christian camp, campers have to at least act christiany and talk to people.

- "The camp so intensive leh. I don't think I can la."

That seems like a common sentiment amongst people who had previously gone for this camp. Which was actually one reason why I signed up too, because I wanted to challenge myself. Since my bible knowledge already so poor, my walk with God quite pathetic, if it's so intensive, maybe I would be able to take away a lesson or two, and somehow find some meaning to draw closer to Him again.

Physical intensity: NIL. No ridiculous orientation games (thank goodness!) because I just can't do those games la I always lose and abit paiseh to be humiliated in front of people that I don't know.

There's enforced lights out at 12mn (which I thought was quite strict la but not like I had something better to do) and 1.5h NAPTIME in the middle of the day right after lunch (perfect solution to food coma??) So basically I got more sleep then my normal life. And I definitely think hall people have been trained to pull through long days. In fact, I got a little restless/ fidgety because of the physical passiveness, but I think it's just the effects of not being used to a slower pace of life.

Spiritual intensity: At first, so-so. Last days of the camp, getting there... Upon reflection (now), I guess the camp forces you to reflect about your life. A lot. You kinda have to discuss questions and share with your group stuff, and there's also end-of-day reflection time so there's just so much thinking time la. The first day while everyone was reflecting on their life, I just sat there and looked at everyone knowing what to do. And my paper was blank because I didnt even know where to begin and I tried to think of something so hard but I ended up thinking about me trying to think about something aiya basically it wasnt working out. And during group discussions I was usually the last to contribute because I had nothing and needed to agree with someone elses' answers. how original.

Then i started thinking Why isnt God speaking to me and speaking to (seemingly) EVERYONE ELSE INSTEAD???? so i wrote questions in my handybook that they gave, and my doubts about Christianity. Surprisingly it was a pretty good step. I was for once writing something in my book.

The next few days, I just wrote whatever that came to mind, and also whatever things shared that struck me. Abit hard here, because many of their problems I can't seem to relate. E.g. the growth of their church, their ministries, their going-thru-the-motion faith. Because I am not involved/ do none of those in the first place. Initially I brushed them as "oh not applicable, not applicable, not applicable" but slowly (with all the reflection time) I started to ask myself waiiiit, WHY is it not applicable? Why am I not involved? Why do I treat church so lightly? Why does everyone here do Quiet Time except me? (like when we were going a circle sharing how/ when we do QT, and I'm like - uh i dont do QT at all, and the rest looked at me and said, Thanks for being brave to share something so personal. We will pray for you.) I came to realise that my problem lies in the fact that I'm super desensitized and apathetic towards society and God's Word. Like I didn't even see the issue of not doing QT at first. So a lot of these instances during the group discussions prompted me to really think. And somehow writing down my thoughts and questions guided me, albeit slowly, to have deeper understanding of my values and mindset. So if you find yourself questioning God, write it down. Ponder over it.

Could expound on this but it'll be too long and I can't articulate my thoughts clearly right now. My main key takeaway was that I used to think God and the world were pretty much mutually exclusive but God will always forgive/ provide as long as we have faith in Him. But from this camp, I realised I subscribe to a very convenient faith and cheap grace. Hence we continue to sin because we know He would forgive us when we come to Him.

Then recently I also started doubting this whole idea of god and religion because of worldly issues. But what the speaker at the camp said struck me: When we ask "Why?",  let it be a prayer to God, and not let it result in shaken faith.

- Did the camp give any answers/ enlightenment -

There were no concrete answers to living life, but it was very reflective. It made me think deeper into the excuses that I have created along the way to justify myself. And it's a hindsight thing la. For the first few days at the camp, I kept trying to experience a Eureka! moment but nope. Then i realised perhaps it's just a time to really question yourself. and through the questioning there will definitely be more questioning but somehow, it might expose something else.

- Would you recommend the camp: Yeah go at least once to experience it. Good break from material stress. If you're the kind who don't really like to be alone, would advise to go with a same-sex friend. I went by myself and had no one to hang with at night lol and like it's gonna be hard to find your opposite-sex friend because you can't go to their dorm too. Then there was this prayer thing where you're to pray with a friend and since i had no friends i sat alone at a corner pretending to use my phone when there's clearly no wifi aiya that's the most painful part (ok i exaggerate) but it's a very minor thing don't let it be a deterrent luh. can be easily overcome by re-reading your handybook and going to the toilet.

- Practical application: message me LOL but srs. i did get exposed to quite a lot of different things people are going thru so I dont think I can give any specific learning point/ idea I stole without knowing what you're facing.

Personally for me, I'm gonna start praying every morning and night (yes, i dont even do that.....  I had this super chill mentality that I can talk to God anytime anywhere so nothing's concrete at all), and I will write my morning prayers in a prayer book.

I will also start doing QT but I haven't figure out what yet. Will do something about it soon and will make sure I do actually do it.

Yeah hahah thanks for making it this far, it's much longer that I thought it would be. Titus and Valerie were there too, and I'm sure they have their own takeaways to share too. I hope yall have happy holidays!! Christmas is coming!!!