im losing the motivation to pen down my feelings. so many things have happened in the past six months, i feel like im forced to grow up and be adult. that's something that school did not teach. and i am very, very unprepared. and scared.

i would talk about laneway, and the night we went ameen for supper even though we were all so tired already. i would talk about command, and the numerous pracs prior to the big day and how i was so stressed over not being able to get them dance moves. i would talk about coordinating and editing the hall annual magazine, and the melodramas i was embroiled in. i would talk about getting really sick, and not being able to tell if im peeing blood or having my period. i would talk about sitting on the rooftop bench, talking about your preparations for the upcoming production. i would talk about getting asked to be someone's girlfriend, only to agree on the nth time. i would talk about our grad trip, going to chinese countries and the warm hospitality of your family.

but instead what worries me are grown up problems. things like being financially independent, earning a keep to prepare me for a future, getting my own house, bto (??!!!), wanting to have kids early, wanting to have my own independent life as well, wanting stability, wanting adventure, juggling passion with work, getting fitter. Life is full of contradictions and i really feel like im facing and making an excessive number  of dilemmas and choices a day. even small things like "should I buy a drink today?"/ "no, it's a luxury. you can't keep buying drinks... water is free!" or "chase love!"/ "but what is love? love is not just about yourself, it is about everyone else around you too". i keep keep keeep having monologues with myself, and it's so frustrating and painful as well to dwell on issues. it's so hard to be, happy and carefree.

i honestly dont know what to do, and as every day passes, things do not get clearer. i cant get by every day not thinking about the irony of  life and complexity of living.