Almost started this post with 'Dear diary'.

How tired are you?
100/10, she replied.

hit a new low this week. actually broke down in front of the very people i should be managing.

so terrible thursday went like this:

7.20am
Reached early to facilitate a meeting regarding partial merger of 2 clinics and staff transfer. Had to reassure staff much older than me that there would be no workplace unfairness, and to encourage importance of patience and respect. Tried to quell uncertainty and unhappiness among staff.

8.30am
Rushed down to other clinic as queue management system is launched. Hectic throughout with patients and staff everywhere. Staff trying to learn the new system. Supervisor was also there as she's in charge of this project. Some hiccups encountered, some attributed to the miscommunication between my supervisor and me. Supervisor lost it and i got a good shelling. So she said some stuff and her tone was hurtful and accusatory, and she did that passive/ aggressive thing too before stomping off... no time to waste, i had to rectify the problem and then it's

10.50am
Rushed back up to my office block to prepare for a research project meeting at 11am. Haven't breakfast and feeling a tad hungry. Sucked it up. Printed the meeting agenda, prepared the room, received the guests. Facilitate discussion between my dept's HOD and vendors. Tasked to do up some legal contract (!!??) and administrative things that i honestly have no clue how to go about doing. No idea who is able to help either. Urgent though. Still quite scared how to go about with this as I have not had the time to work on it...

12.50pm-ish
Went back to the clinic to check up on the queue system. It seemed to be pretty much settled by then, and place was relatively less crowded as it was lunch time. Staff has familiarised with the way it worked. Checked individually with staff. Caught one watching youtube. She told me to close my eyes and pretend that i did not see anything as she closed the browser. I did so. Then she gave some feedback about the queue system. Then some other staff came into the consult room i was in and gave their complaints. and it became chaotic. and on my mind i was thinking about all the other pending and urgent work that i have not done, emails that i have not read, things that i have not followed up. and the stupid scolding in the morning. and i suddenly. fucking. teared.

what a weaksauce ugh.

and suddenly everything just became quiet and i thought i died nah they closed the door and figured i was crying because of the morning's scolding (yes and no) and said comforting words but then the tears just kept going on and on and on no matter how much i wanted to stop and i was laughing at how ridiculous this was and then suddenly a doctor also came in and oh my gawd how embarrassing for everyone to witness this whole meltdown. on a bright side, the complaining did subside.

awhile later i left for the toilet and my supervisor messaged me to ask where i was and it was 1-ish pm and i hadn't had my lunch and basically just being in no mood to have any conversation with her. nonetheless didn't have much of an appetite so i went back to the other clinic to see how they were doing, and then rushed off for a second meeting. and everything ended at 7ish pm and i was so damn tired. dragged myself back to the office, opened my inbox and there were like 100 emails. stayed on to clear some urgent ones, before prepping myself for the next day.

Friday.
Went early for roll call. stayed in the clinic to monitor the queue system again, and troubleshoot any problems on the ground. after ~2 hours, i went back to the office to grab my laptop. at that exact moment my supervisor had to send a sarcastic text about my absence in the clinic and "erm when new system roll up. U need to be on the ground." cant. even. have. a. breather.

i wish i can miraculously split myself into 3 - one part for clinic 1, one part for clinic 2, and the last part for the office Esther. or maybe 6 parts - one part for family Esther, one part for relationship Esther, and one part for Esther Esther.

but no this Esther can't take all the pressure and expectations and somehow she's going craaAAZZzy.

i'm already dreading all my workdays. also i have yet to draft out the rotation plan for my HR... wondering if it is possible that i give the profiles of the people i would love to work with rather than the department..... /pathetic

and if things couldn't get any worse, the holiday i've been looking forward to is in a big question mark now. my travel buddy has just backed out so i'm not sure if i'm gonna do this whole solo thing successfully. just hope i dont step on a land mine or get kidnapped halfway. either way, whatever, just hope i'll not fuck up... i dont know man sighs.