i'm not sure why i did that, knowing that nothing would change anything. i waited for you to come back, and i was still too cowardice to see you. what if i see you together with her? what if you bring her home? texted you but you didn't reply till much later. you said there wasn't a point in meeting. i know there really wasn't; i just missed you a lot.

i'm sorry to have ruined your plans for the next day. 

couldn't control my emotions when i saw you. thank you for still being so kind in real life, even though your words cut like broken glass. even when i was completely honest with you but you couldn't do the same. even when i broke down when you said you see your future with her. a million scenarios and telltale signs flashed in my mind. i didn't want to let go of you, i wanted to hold you in my embrace and hold your fingers and run my fingers through your hair. i wanted that moment to last forever.

i really should get angry at you. i really want to but i can't. you didn't do anything wrong, so don't apologise for not being able to fulfill your promises to me. i guess i expected more from you. i should have fought hard when you initiated the break up. wake my idea up. make amends. i should've talked out the issues instead of sweeping them under the carpet. so much to say but we left them unsaid. to a point when you decided to walk away. but now it's too late and to live with regret, it hurts, it hurts, it hurts. a throbbing pain that intensifies every few hours or so. the constriction in the heart, acute and piercing. the convulsion of the body, shaking like a leaf. if only i could turn back time. 

and i'm afraid that i won't ever get over this relationship. some tell me that it's a phase, healing takes time, give myself space. i know all these, but why am i still finding myself crying in the middle of the day in the office, missing you so much? why do i keep searching for your name on my phone and looking at it? why do i restrain myself from acting rashly but caving in shortly after? why do i dream about you getting married and wake up feeling that it's going to be true? did I mean absolutely nothing to you? how long more will this feeling fade away?

could one die of dehydration from crying?

maybe making a list would help:
1. what is meant to be yours, will be yours.
there is no point regretting all the things that you could've done or should've done but didn't. if his heart has swayed, any good feelings towards you just numbs the real problems.

2. note to future self: understand your other half's love language, and express what you mean in a way they would like.
i guess i had always been showing how i care wrongly, and it took a toil on both parties. need to work on this.

3. appreciate. and show it. say it. don't hide it.