I wish to feel my Father's presence, His comfort as He draws me into His arms. I wish to weep with unbridled emotion, and not fear that I need to give an explanation. I wish to tell Him that i'm tired, let me have a rest, please, let me get away from everything.

Distance

Guilt creeps into my unapologetic heart for skipping church.

What is church to me? What is church supposed to be? A place of fellowship and support with brothers and sisters in Christ? A place that feeds me head knowledge; where i feebly grasp messages like sand slipping through my fingers? A place where conversations are like jigsaw pieces forced frenziedly into gaping holes of a puzzle called 'church', hoping to "complete" it? A place where hearty welcomes echo sweetly at the newcomer, while the unremarkable wallflowers remain unnoticed? A place of show and tell? Just, a place? The church is one place that in the reverberations of white noise within the sanctuary, i sit, alone, faded; a familiar comfortable discomfort. The congregation stands.

Second chances

How did i mess up so much that there is no more hope to make amends? How did i cause your heart to harden and forget every moment on our three year journey? How did i cast every ounce of pride aside and beg and plead for just one more chance, expecting some mercy but recognising the unlikely chance of having any? How am i still trying, failing, telling myself to move on, but still going back to trying? How am i so pathetic to cling on to the little hope that i'm still in your thoughts, even though you've explicitly and repeatedly told me i no longer am? How am i still getting use to acknowledging that i have a boyfriend and now you're an ex? How is that word so foreign, so blunt, so harsh? How has it you have moved on even before i started grieving? How did you promise me the world repeatedly and gave me momentarily consolation before changing your mind few days later? How did "trust me k" when you're with the other girls but somehow the trust would not matter 48 hours later? How are you selfish and self-indulgent but i refuse to cast you in that light? How my grandma asked me why would i ever want to break up with a "good" man like you and how much she "likes" you, and all that i could muster was "yeahhhh no reason" because i didn't want her to remember you any other way? How i get mad at your lies but the sadness of losing you hurts so much more? How i wish you would tell me everything was a great big joke and that you'll say 'hey yes you've tried and cried enough, here, lets work on setting everything straight and making this work'. How i really really really don't want to believe that all the things we'd done and quirks we'd uncovered and places we'd been and experiences we'd shared and bonds we'd formed are/had been rightclickdelete/emptyrecyclingbin.

i tried, i really tried. i tried pushing the issues aside. getting over you. downplaying your significance in my life. eliciting emotions. continuing the convo. fostering friendly ties. but it has all come to a naught. "i no longer feel the same way about you"; "i don't want to work things out any more"; "when we broke up, i was more relieved than sad". now you're able to make your decisions. painfully brutal and honest ones. that's what best for us both, you say. it's really just working for you. i'm still crumbling. i'll not sure when i would ever get over this. every single day is living hell.

It's cold here
You're with your solid friends while i battle everything on my own. work, aspirations, family, this relationship. It oftentimes get lonely. i want to give up. i really don't know what i'm fighting for.

Holiness
In an ironic state of the world, my faith is weakening as yours grow in strength. my behaviour was a reflection of how i felt that you were drifting further and further away, and the vicious cycle created a self-prophecy. suddenly you were leading church ministries and bringing your friends to christ. what about me? why does it feel like God and you have abandonded me?

Self-reflection 

Test Me by The xx