hey. happy 2018.

feeling ambivalent about what this year (and the future) would bring. been looking forward to a fresh new year since getting ditched lol. it hasn't stopped hurting, but i guess progress is being made. must admit that i've been extremely lost after the breakup - no fucking idea what's next. only then i realised how much my dreams were pegged onto someone else. sometimes i think that's just how i am, attaching undue significance to things and eventually getting disappointed. anyhoos so i've made some resolutions as much as we seldom stick to them. strode into 2018 with a fitness pass in a bid to have better posture, and i've completed my sixth yoga/ barre session today. pretty proud of myself for doing this whole ~fitspo~ thingy alone. bought my first pair of workout tights after attending classes in my fbts and camp tee and stuck out like a sore thumb. like... small wins! oh gross. the barre lessons have been really fun and i'm thinking of signing up more frequently, but the lessons always clash with work. maybe in a few months time when my working hours start and end earlier, once i transfer out of my dept. meanwhile, will probably try out hot yoga. the backache/ shoulder ache have become worse.

so 2018's gonna be transitional work-wise as well. gonna be transferred to a polyclinic, which is cool except today i went for my one-day attachment and basically at this particularly polyclinic, you would be responsible for opening the whole compound. at 6.50am. 6 friggin 50am. the last time i woke up at this time... probably back in JC. i'm sorry residents of the community if i oversleep; i apologise in advance. oh yeah we work on saturdays as well. for the shit pay that i am getting, i'm honestly not too excited. and i'm gonna miss my current colleagues.

and then there begs the next question of "what's next?" i feel the pressure compounding as time ticks away, about two years more to make a decision, to carve out something, and to get some shit going. always wanted to do something creative arts-related / space but it feels so intimidating being the only one/ without anyone to bounce off ideas and brainstorm how to make this come to fruition. i really need to get my shit together, but i can't even complete a book in one year!

which brings me to my next resolution - i'll wanna read more. same resolution last year, which i failed lol. the 3 books from yl and 1 book from yb are still sitting on my table, slowly, collecting, dust. but hello netflix! which sucks because i'm watching series instead and i get inpatient and i read the synopsis and write-ups online instead, which defeats the purpose because i don't get to learn cinematography and video production.

other resolutions: learn video editing, weave a few pieces, use the sewing machine and sew the damn skirt i've bought cloth and zipper two years ago for. same 2017 goals. but hopefully, more productive this time. i've also been thinking of doing an online photo portfolio, but i'm still quite lazy to do that. besides i don't feel like i've developed a particular ~style~ yet, making me feel very amateurish and unconfident. i've read that you would only improve if you keep shooting, but i can't think of concepts and i feel like i would be wasting people's time. and then there's also that little voice in my head telling me that i'm gonna laugh and be embarrassed at my post-processing few years down the road and that really makes me hesitant from sharing whatever i took. that inner struggle...

ok i just hope i get some shit done this year instead of just work, work, work. and i love you Jesus!