I miss my dad.

Lately, i’ve been finding my mind drift towards thoughts about my father. It’s not like he’s dead or anything, and i could always look him up if i wanted to. So go on and meet him, one might say. Well, it’s hard to explain but i’ll try.

You see, i don’t miss him like a kindergarten classmate who moved away. I don’t miss him like a high school friend who went to a different school. I don’t miss him like a best friend whom i barely contact anymore because of all other commitments life brings. It’s not the same with dad. As much as i want to pick up the phone and call to hang, i can’t. We are not going to pretend nothing has happened and continue the conversation from the last time we hung out. I don’t even remember the last time we were all together. 2007? 2004? 2001? When was the last time we were all together, and happy?

I try to put my finger on a year but i can’t. For decades i’ve struggled to deal with the breakdown of a marriage, much to the point where i’ve grown cold, unfamiliar, and wary of feelings of warmth and comfort. Any previous semblance of reconciliation and forgiveness proved to be futile, for give it two days max, the folks are back at it, tossing each others computers, books, precious items etc around the house, wrecking them into pieces, causing irreversible damage to the objects and their angry hearts.

I’ve been so adept at blocking out negativity that i didn’t know, and largely, didn’t care when mom and dad got a divorce. It was something on the cards for a long, long time. Do people even use the phrase “on the cards” in such an instance? Haha it always feels more of a oh yea marriage’s on the cards / baby’s definitely on the cards /  on the cards! I think i officiated it myself (haha) when i turned 18 and realised that this time, dad’s no longer coming back, even for two days. When dad left the last time, whenever that was, he left for good.

I miss having a complete parental unit and having a family i can go home to. To lay down all my fears and worries and to share all my joys with. I’m super duper fortunate to have good relations with sis and grandma individually. But lately that little bit of me wishes for a father to share my formative adult years with, to talk to, to try out crazy ideas, to just, be a guy who won’t break my heart.

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